Tag Archives: Sarcasm

Valentine’s Day’s 8 Most Annoying Single Women

– said the happily in love person

Valentine’s Day is stressful when you’re with someone and annoying when you’re not. Here are the 8 single women to avoid on V-Day.

1. The Pre-teen:

So awkward. About as awkward as wishing your friend’s mom a Happy Mother’s Day. (Oooh shit, I mean, ah! You’re not my MOM!)

Obviously far too concerned with the IMAGE of being single, rather than singleness itself. Will probably skip half of 5th period to go cry dramatically in the girl’s bathroom and leave mascara stains strategically placed in the corners of her eyes so her friends will fawn over her with attention for the rest of the day. Voted most likely to not actually want a Valentine.

2. The Recently Single-d:

Well…you’re in luck!

Voted most likely to send her ex a drunk text by the end of the night. Then call you to cry about how much she both misses him as well as what a total asshole he was.

3. The Subtle Hater

Got it. No dead, limp things on V-day. Please.

Voted most likely to be the angry drunk at last call in the bar tonight. Also see: May be found man-bashing with an also-single lesbian with ulterior motives.

4. The Sarcastic Commiserator:

Denial. It’s a coping mechanism.

Voted most likely to spend the day texting, talking, emailing and cornering other single people to support their cause. After feeling like they’ve triumphed, they’re most likely to be found crying over Ben and Jerry’s and watching Made for TV romances on Lifetime.

5. The Fisherwoman:

Well if yer screamin’ it at people, yeah, yeh will be…

Casting a net of sympathy responses as wide and as unabashed as Honey Boo Boo’s mom. If you respond, you’re feeding her low self-esteem. If you don’t, you’re feeding her low-self esteem. Good luck. Voted most likely to be single next V-day as well.

6. The Flip and Twist-ers: 

Oh for the love of….

These folks will manipulate a negative situation into a positive one or SO HELP THEM! They are also voted most likely to consciously or unconsciously seek a one night stand. Luckily, the Flip and Twist is also a pretty effective sex position. Git it onnn.

7. The Brazen Vixen

Whoa there, turbo. No really, does it have turbo?

This girl was probably asked out on quite a few Valentine’s Day dates and denied them all because she can. Voted most likely to end up in bed with another woman. Because there’s no time to experiment like the present…

8. The WTF?

I’ll celebrate Hans Solo any ol’ day….

WHY this chick doesn’t have a boyfriend? No one knows. She’s the diamond in the rough. The creme dela creme. The perfect combination of hotness, low-maintenance, sporty, sexy, chill, awesome that haunts every boy’s wet dreams. If you find one of these on V-day, do one of two things: 1) ask her out, or 2) see option one. Voted most likely to have friends who secretly resent her.

For the rest of us “sane” ladies out there, single on this hallowed of days, I wish you all the best!

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Jobs that suck: Barista – and the things the average joe doesn’t know

Like most people, I love coffee. It’s right there next to “clean undies” and “toothbrush” on my Things I’d Want if I Were Stranded on a Desert Island list. But there are certain things you should know about the people who make your coffee and the businesses that employ them. It’s not always the rainbows and sunshine like the Starbucks ads would have you believe. In fact, in my experience, it rarely was. I can’t speak for every barista out there, it’s quite possible that my experience was unique (though, I doubt it).

My very first job was when I was 13. Until that point, my “resume”, if you could even call it that, was a few sentences long and consisted of “volunteer at such-and-such place” and “babysitter for the so-and-so’s”. I had no experience dealing with customers and an absolute loathing of coffee. WHY they put me in charge of the espresso machine? I’ll never know. But they did.

Anyway, I learned fast. (Don’t get me wrong, I fucked up quite a bit too, as was expected, but I learned pretty fast). Luckily, making a specialized coffee drink is essentially like any other standard recipe, really. With one major difference:

1. It needs to be ready….5 minutes ago. 

Baristas KNOW that you’re in a hurry. It’s just assumed that everyone is on a time crunch. We’re all to blame for this. Ever notice how, even when you go to a coffee shop to get coffee and chill you find yourself waiting by the drink counter, impatiently tapping your foot or staring anxiously at the attendant? Yeah.  In any case, baristas work as fast as they can. And unfortunately, the espresso machines they work with are cumbersome and slow. Baristas are severely limited by their equipment. And their work stations are tiny.

You’re lucky if you get two baristas on a busy day working two machines, sharing a milk fridge, pulling, grinding, pressing espresso and making a never-ending list of the ever-simple: cinnamon dulce soy double decaf lattes extra hot with no foam. The point is, please, for the love of god, show some patience. Why? Well, because…

2. These poor people will work at this pace with nary a break for a full 8 hour shift. 

And they’re going to put up with your degree of impatience from EVERY SINGLE CUSTOMER. Is it worth it? Well…

3. You tell me if minimum wage plus an average of a 6% tip split 5 ways for 8 hours of insanity is worth it?

Baristas are expected the be the sunniest of sunny towards the people who are, at that point, the least of the likely to give a flying fuck. They haven’t had their coffee yet, they’re not in the mood to be receptive to a barista’s half-hearted smile. When I was a barista, I found that about 1 in 5 people left a tip, and it was usually either the change remaining from the cost of the coffee up to, at the most, $2. At the end of a shift, the tips were split between all of the employees on for that shift, which, on the best of days, ended up being around $20.

$20 on top of minimum wage for working at break-neck speed for people who stare you down, snap last-minute order changes at you, and will barely tip…if at all? Hmmm. Well, it doesn’t sound so great, so the schedules must be awesome (you say to yourself), or the perks (no pun intended)?!

4. Like many entry-level jobs, Baristas tend to be hired on a part-time or seasonal basis. Meaning schedules are unpredictable at best, and employers don’t have to offer benefits. 

I was a barista for ONE semester when I was in college. And it barely, BARELY paid the bills. As in, on top of 18 credits, a 30hr a week job, and as many babysitting jobs as I could get, I still had ask for money from my parents just to get by. Pretty sad. The “benefit” I was sold on was 1 meal a day and as much coffee as I liked while I was working (if I came in on a day off, I had to pay half price), as well as the promise to be moved up to management if I stuck it out long enough. I stuck it out and was promoted to management level just long enough to realize I was killing myself for nothing. The sacrifice of my college education over getting the weekly schedule right for the College Buzz Cafe was not worth it. So I quit.

All that being said, my time as a barista helped me learn a few valuable lessons.

A) It’s easy to let a dumb job take over your life. The job can feel like it’s not taking up much time when, in fact, it truly is.

B) Never treat the line employees at any establishment like they’re half-wits, in any way, at any time, ever. I served coffee to  some of the most prominent individuals in the city at the time, and many of them were insensitive, egocentric pricks. I will never forget those people. Many of them treated me like I was a pretty face but vapid to the core. It’s the sort of insult that stings at that “disbelief of your ignorant discrimination” place. And it sucks.

C) Take what you can from menial jobs and get the hell out. Staying with an entry-level job for no reason other than to push through (when you know things will never improve and when you HAVE the ability and circumstances to make a change) is asinine.

D) Don’t let yourself be manipulated by bad mid-level managers. Life is too short and it’s not worth it. If you have the ability to bring it to the attention to someone who can make a difference? Do it. Otherwise, duck out peacefully, take the positive reference, and move on.  This can be a hard pill to swallow; it doesn’t follow the inherent rules of fairness that we’d all like to believe exist in the world. But in the end, if you leave on bad terms, you’ll lose the reference. And then the bad manager will have affected your past, present, AND future.

E) Lastly, if you can manage it, try not to order convoluted crazy complicated ridiculous drinks at local Mom and Pop coffee shops. Save that shit for Starbucks. Smaller coffee shops tend to focus on the quality of the coffee bean, not the number of adjectives placed before the name. You’ll want to be able to taste the coffee for a change.

We’ve all had bad jobs. And I understand that my experience is likely better than the experiences of many others. But I love hearing about different people’s experiences within certain special facets of society that I’d otherwise have no window into. So hopefully I’ve shed a little sunshine on the dismal reality of the life of a barista, and hopefully someone can take that knowledge and make a difference. Even if it’s to just be genuine and make a real personal connection with your barista, that small gesture can make their day. Let them know they’re not your coffee bitch. It goes a long way.

Also, while bad, this is certainly not the worst job I’ve ever had. Oh, it gets worse. And the lessons, well, they get better.


“Pleasantville chauvinist seeks pipe dream with tits”

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I’ll admit, one of my favorite ways to pass the time in waiting rooms and offices is to creep my local Craigslist for the freaky, the fucked up and the all around out-of-this-world bizarre posts. Oftentimes I’ll just text my findings to my BFF and we’ll have a good laugh over them. Every so often though, I find one that REALLY TWEAKS ME. And then I have to respond. 

Which is what I did tonight. 

Firstly, it should be said, that this particular post was titled, and I shit you not:

“1950’s relationship wanted, controlling man for good woman”

Um. Really. The Stepford Wives called, they want their plot back. 

Just when you think that chauvinism has taken its final breath (albeit a long, drawn-out one), something like this pops up and shreds that hope to smithereens. (Note to self: use “smithereens” more often). 

My response to this gem of a man was short and sweet. But my claim to fame, if I do say so myself, was in signing the deal: “sincerely, a woman with a brain”. Because really, when it comes to men who want to control women, it doesn’t go over so well when the woman actually THINKS about how fucked up this deal is. The stereotype of the 1950’s woman who “knew her place” all hinged on the fact that women were supposed to be soft-spoken and seemingly uneducated (even though many did hold college degrees at that time). It was not ladylike to show her intelligence. To do so would ensure she’d die a spinster. Chauvinism, like the ugly display above, wont last long in today’s day and age. There are too many women like myself ready and crouched to pounce. 

The man above wants a woman to cook, clean, be ready to address his needs, drive to him because he doesn’t have a car, keep herself looking nice, ensure her kids don’t get attached to the douche, and be willing to be dominated and/or receive spankings for when she doesn’t please him. 

Oh please. It’s obvious who needs the spanking here. 

Poor, sick, sad little man. 

 

Sincerely, 

A woman with a brain


February is a bitch

Minus the short days, the frigid air, this bipolar mountain community that either wants more pow-pow or less, the seemingly endless couples who’ve paired up for a long winter’s snuggle, and the lack of legitimate holidays to look forward to, February is pretty great! In fact, February might be my favorite month of the year – sarcasm – and here’s why:

There’s nothing more uplifting than being reminded that you’re STILL single. Even though, yes, you’ve made it through the holidays having brought no one to the half dozen Christmas parties you attended. Even though you answered the truly callous “really? You’re still single?” inquiries with grace and poise (something like *insert sarcastic mootone voice here*: “because I fucked every guy in this town plus I’m having low self-esteem issues and I think I might be attracted to women). And EVEN though your New Year’s resolution not to text a single man out of desperation had, until this point, been a success, it’s still NOT ENOUGH for the gods of poorly-timed holiday succession. No, you see… now you have to lick your emotional wounds while watching everyone else fucking flourish. February….goddamn you.

And while February certainly sucks for single folks, she’s also kind of a bitch to everyone else, too. There you are thinking you’ve made it through the season of romance when February comes along and says: “your significant other is expecting you to display how much you love him/her in a few weeks. Do NOT disappoint.”

And you say, “but I just literally spent my entire year’s savings on his/her Christmas gift! And he/she absolutely loved it! How the f*ck am I gonna top that?!”

February says, “do I look like a relationship counselor to you? I just enforce the holiday, I didn’t make it up. Quit your whining and concoct a brilliant gesture of romance that is neither cliche nor under-par.”

This, I’m convinced by the way, is why so many men begin to think of us as impossible to please. They exhaust their romantic minds to the point of breaking for what they THINK is the most important holiday, only to be bombarded by one a few weeks later. Valentines day, a day that most every woman realizes is a big marketing scheme. A day which, prior to it, most every woman will say something like “I hate Valentine’s day, it’s such a gross manipulation of the concept of love and commitment. Like candy conversation hearts and cheesy pink and red balloons are going to make me feel any more secure in my relationship? It’s such bullshit”. Oh yes, prior to it she’s all cynicism and anti-Hallmark, but come Valentine’s Day, if her man hasn’t whipped up some grand gesture of love that tips the romance scales, blows her mind, didn’t but looks like it cost a fortune, and is one massive surprise? Well, you’d better believe that…. shit….will hit….the fan. I’ve seen it happen.

Perhaps, then, I’ve been lucky to’ve been spared this ordeal. At least it’s comforting knowing that being single doesn’t exempt me completely from the emotional shit-show.

This year, like the last 5-10, i’ll be avoiding restaurants, Facebook, romantic comedies and couples in general. Because February already plasters this crud on every marketable surface, and as a single woman… I don’t need to go looking for more misery than I already bring myself. Because that’s what February will have you believe, right? That singleness is just one step away from suicide? So perhaps I’ll avoid the Do It Yourself guide to Self-Mutialtion websites as well.

Ah yes, February, like a Ruby-red bloodstain in the crystals of snow, YOU are the gem of winter.


The price of being female

“YOU there. With the vagina. How daaaaaaaare you….”

Men: If you haven’t figured this out already, by social norms and media gobbletygook, you should fear women. You don’t have to fear us in the mortal sense of the word. We  probably won’t kill you (at least, you know, for the most part). But chances are, we ARE tying to hurt you. Hurt your heart. Hurt your soul. Hurt your ego, your confidence, your sense of self-worth. Hurt your penis in one way or another.

You see, women are dangerous creatures. We’re dangerous throughout the animal kingdom. We eat our mates, require dominance, destroy to fucking shreds our enemies (i.e. lions and the Real Housewives of…well..every major city in the United States), and will annihilate anyone who even thinks about touching a hair on the heads of our young (every female creature ever; like, ever ever. Like..fo’ serious). And, just in case you didn’t know already, women hate penises. The media will tell you otherwise, but don’t pay attention to that misleading garbage. We hate penises. And I know what you’re gonna say: “Oh but, but what about the sheer mind-blowing pleasure that the penis can provide for a woman? You need us for that! The penis is a beautiful instrument of orgasm! How could you hate that, are you nuts?” No. You’re nuts. And your nuts – we hate them too. We hate them and we hate the blob that’s attached to them (that’s “you”, btw. Theactual man.) This is well documented (hic) throughout history. Women don’t “love” men. We love chocolate and we love children. The penis is dispensable, unnecessary, outdated with the advent of a little thing called a vibrator. I’m just sayin’.

And before all you men out there (who may’ve taken some offense to this highly serious and in no way sarcastic rant of mine) go nuts, my point: (which is also highly serious and in no way sarcastic)

It’s no wonder, no wonder at all that men have developed such a sense of mistrust and wariness about us. Women sleep around. They do. Not all, but some. Many, in fact. But, of course, they’re the quintessential social pariahs;  the Jezebels out to break marriages and tempt even the most conscientious man. And why can’t she keep her legs closed? Why cant she see that her whoring around is doing so much damage to so many people? She’s selfish. She could care less what happens to anyone other than herself. She has no self-respect and allows herself to be seen and treated like a tool, an instrument of fleeting pleasure and nothing more. She’s not worth respect. She’s not worthy of marriage, stability, happiness. She doesn’t follow the rules.

Hmmm…

Let’s take a deeper look at this double standard we’ve all come to know and love. Why is it that “whoring around” is seen as such a social malady when committed by women, yet when men do the exact same thing, they’re commended for their “conquests”?

Outdated and longstanding social roles: Women are still often seen as maternal, virginal, pious and subservient. This is a generalization, obviously, there ARE examples of women who absolutely contradict this definition, but as a whole, women are still seen in a much less dominating and powerful role than men. It’s this stratification of power between the sexes that is the ultimate problem. Because power = leeway. Power allows you to define the rules. Power allows for the ability to write the social norms, rather than to settle for following them. If history had transpired in a way that let women become the dominant sex, they’d’ve never allow for their entire sex/gender to feel guilty and shameful for being sexual beings. Because, biologically, sociologically, logically, literally….it’s ridiculous.

Women bear life: We’re mothers. That’s just how it is. So we’re impregnated, carry, then bear the children of the world. And perhaps it’s just unsettling for men to know that the mother of their child was once, or is, a very sexual person. Women who “whore around” are obviously bereft of all values and anything worth passing on to the next generation. They simply can’t BE a good mother. They’re incapable of it. A good mother would’ve suppressed her sexuality or lied about it or hidden it or been ashamed of it. Cause those are all commendable traits worth passing on to the next generation. -_-

Sex is bad bad bad: Sex is bad, ladies. Sex is bad. Sex is something men can enjoy and women can’t. Sex is something that men can talk about but women can’t. Ever notice that there really is no negative term for a man who sleeps around? Yet there are just TONS of them in reference to women: floozy, temptress, whore, strumpet, slut, wench, harlot, hussy, lady of the night, tramp (to name a few). And for men? What. “Pimp”? That’s it? And that’s not even negative. At least not most of the time. It’s often used affectionately amongst men, like the pinning of a badge of honor.

And why is this? Why is sex never a negative thing for men yet always, in some way, portrayed as negative for women? I mean, let’s say for a moment, hypothetically, that women were allowed to say that they enjoyed sex, that they could openly brag about their conquests, that they could be revered amongst their friends for having “hit that”?

What would happen then?

No, seriously, I’m asking. I’ve gone on my rant. I’ve planted the seed. I wanna know what you think?


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